The world is a sick and cruel place. For some reason, Howie Mandel…Howie Mandel, of all people, for Chrissakes!—Must make it worse. Howie, can we please have peace in the world? Please?
The man took a liking to TikTok, which has primarily been a space where young people can joke about corn and other popular trends. In my case, I use the app to find recipes and watch the dogs go on playdates. But America’s Got Talent Judge Howie Mandel has worked his way into my algorithm time and time again, and I’m starting to get really tired of his shenanigans.
TikTok is full of complete and utter madness (hence its popularity), and celebrities are often forced to post promotional material for their shows, movies, and other projects. But Howie never publishes promotional material. In fact, he often posts retrograde content – videos that make viewers gasp, block it and report it. Videos without rhyme or reason. Videos that not only turn your stomach upside down, but also knock the organ out of your body with a suitcase, separating from your soul forever.
Before I get raw (I apologize in advance; this article will get so disgusting), let’s start with the ferocity of Howie’s TikToking. He uploads videos 3-5 times a day on average. Although they are all short, none longer than a minute, how can someone have five thoughts to share with the world (he has over 10 million followers) in the space of 24 hours?
Posting so much on TikTok should be a crime. Especially when looking at the content, which is made up of some of the worst images that have ever lived in my brain. Prepare yourselves. There’s no way to prepare anyone for the horrors that live on Howie Mandel’s TikTok.
Like a middle-aged mother on Facebook, Howie is led to the weirdest content lurking in the dark corners of the internet. Moms always find the fuzziest and most generic memes, usually featuring minions, usually about wine. On the other hand, Howie Mandel always finds the slimiest and most jaw-dropping videos on TikTok, usually featuring fish and usually sporting a weird filter while he talks about it.
After this article was published, Howie will likely have updated his TikTok with three new videos, each more obnoxious than the last. But let me tease his offerings a bit. Recently Howie landed on my homepage for a video of a fish sticking its tongue in another fish’s wet, slimy mouth. “This is what life was like before COVID,” says Howie. “You can’t do any of this anymore. Remember?”
No, Howie. I do not remember. He is an avid user of the TikTok filter: in one, he poses as a bee with the caption “#bee #your #self”. In another, he makes his face look like a rat. He uses a filter to make it look like a mouth is licking his face on a lollipop. What’s going on? There are endless filter videos, and surely more are on the way.
But Howie really strikes gold when he duets random videos. Howie seems to find the most obscure clips of the worst parts of TikTok: a bursting brown liquid that looks like diarrhea, a “tummy dragon” gnawing at a little boy’s eyes, and a baby burping tutorial, which he goes so far as to imitate. , vomiting water into his sink.
My favorite is his comment on what appears to be Civil War-themed pornography: “If anyone knows his story, it’s Civil War. Neat story.
Mind you, Howie has a wife, kids, and grandkids. In fact, he features his family on his page, where he also posts naughty and explicit content in all the other videos. Can’t he hang out with them instead? There’s nothing wrong with uploading a nice simple TikTok dance video with your daughter. Sadly, Howie has no time for his family. Of course, he has to produce content on his TikTok: “Not now, honey, Howie has to film a video about a pastry that looks like male genitals.”
So the question becomes: what is Howie Mandel is doing with his life right now? In addition to preparing the release of his animated film Peter the Pigeon-Hawk, in which he stars as a “dreaming pigeon” alongside Whoopi Goldberg’s “rebel hawk,” he doesn’t do much outside of his TikTok. He hosted shows like America’s Got Talent and made a season of bullsh*t the game show. He has a podcast with his daughter. And he films so, so many TikToks.
After swearing allegiance to the marvelous Agree or disagree host when I started, I now have a completely different vision of man. Howie, the man who so brilliantly said “Open the deal”, who answered the banker’s phone calls with such ease, who delighted us with family interviews and public jokes – he is no longer there. man he was.
I’m not the only frustrated here. Many others who see his TikToks are practically shaking their heads in despair, confused by his crazy posts. In any video, you’ll see a comment that says something like “We won’t forget Howie” or “You still haven’t apologized for July 9, Howie.” Sinister. That’s because on July 9, 2022, Howie Mandel’s TikTok changed the world.
“Get ready” has already made its way into this article once, and I’ll say it again: get ready. And I mean it this time. This July 9 story is no joke. You have been warned.
The first mention I saw of Howie’s TikTok breaking the internet was via another TikToker, who posted a video with a caption like “Oh I wonder what my favorite reality TV host Howie Mandel is doing these days,” followed by a petrified grimacing face. HmmI said to myself, I wonder what he’s doing.
The TikTok had been removed from its page; so, using my best investigative journalism skills, I opened Twitter and searched for “Howie Mandel.” Big. Mistake. Everyone was talking about Howie. He had just posted the most violently disgusting, shocking and revealing video the world has seen in a while.
I’m not going to type what I saw. However, I will link to those tweets from the day it happened and let you go on your own hunt, if you dare. (Yes, the video is still on Twitter.)
Here’s to you guys. TikTok’s biggest asshole: Howie Mandel. And yet, I haven’t blocked Howie yet, and I’ve seen so many of his TikToks gearing up to write this article that it now frequently lands on my homepage. Horrifying as it is, there’s still something grotesquely appealing about Howie’s TikTok. It’s like watching videos showing pimples or Emily in Paris: If you’re like me, you won’t be able to take your eyes off the screen.
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